Oh My.

So you may notice by now the inconsistency of my nature. With all endeavors I take on there is this pattern I seem to follow: start strong and then kind of crap out. I've always known this about myself. In school I would start every semester saying, "I am going to re-read my notes every night, keep my papers organized, and finish every long-term assignment at least a week before it is due." Things would go this way for about 2 weeks, and then I would revert to my old ways. I guess it's a lack of discipline. But really, this is the story of my life.

I had a different blog a long time ago. I wrote in it pretty sporadically, so I decided to end it. I started this blog last winter because I felt like I would post regularly. I was busy, but felt compelled to document my experiences. It was (and still is) a very transitional time in my life.

So why has it been so difficult for me to keep up with my blog in the past few months? I am done school, I am not studying for anything (yet), and I don't bring my work home with me. I can't really answer that, but I have decided to make a concerted effort to post weekly. The end.

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I started my second part-time job this month. It is in the emergency room of a South Jersey hospital. So far I really like it and pretty much wish it was a full-time job. I am responsible for registering patients, getting their demographic and insurance info, and getting them to sign some legal documents. It doesn't sound like a very exciting job, but it actually is. I get to see how the ER works and improve my patient care skills. Travis kind of teased me because I seem to have this affliction where the craziest person in the room will tell me their life story, and I will kindly listen to them no matter how much I wish I could blow them off and run away. It doesn't matter where I go. It's pretty much guaranteed that a crazy person, clueless person, old person, or all of the above will single me out. So you can only imagine what I hear on a daily basis in the hospital.

I am still working my retail job, but hoping to hear about a more full-time Monday-Friday 9-5 type of job. I have my resume out there and hoping for a nibble. Why is it so hard to find a job? I guess a lot of us are in the same boat. I am about ready to jump overboard.

One (positive?) development that has occurred over the past few weeks is my decision to re-apply to medical school. After I had that conversation with my mom I realized there must be a reason why I was so upset. No one can make you feel anything unless you believe what they're saying. My mom has called me a lot of things, but when she said I was a disappointment I really felt like I was. I disappointed (some of) my family, friends, mentors, and mostly myself. I didn't want to take my MCATs again this summer because I really couldn't deal with more disappointment. But once I realized that there was no rush and that I could take a few months to study and prepare, I probably wouldn't be disappointed. So beginning November 1st I will begin studying for the MCAT I intend to take in March. So yeah, I wouldn't be starting med school until 2010, but at least I would feel like I wasn't rushed and that I was pursuing my dream.

Wouldn't it be nice to clearly see the path you're meant to take? I've felt so many different things in the past 6 months, and hopefully this decision will be the right one.

Dear Diary,

Tonight Travis invented a new word. Quaple.

The end.

xoxo,

Colleen

Some self indulgence

Should I really know what I want to do with my life at the age of 22? I ask myself every day. Right now I'm just happy to be making enough money to pay my rent and electric, eat, and buy a case of beer. I have lived about a quarter of my life so far (a little less). And about three quarters of that time has been spent in a learning institution. This is the first fall that I have not been in school. I don't exactly like it, but I'm happy to have a little time off. In fact, I really don't want to have anything to do with academics right now. I don't want to take a standardized test. I don't want to write an essay about my dreams and aspirations. I don't want to tell you what I did on my summer vacation.

This is all about applying to a graduate program for next fall. I have been feeling unsure of myself recently (it's been about 5 months since I've studied for anything), and that has led to my delaying applications and testing. I just don't know if I have what it takes... I mean I know that I do. But I'm afraid. I don't want to make any major choices if I'm not sure.

"Where did this all come from?" you may be wondering. Well in a word: MOM. My mom knows I don't want to be a failure. She knows that I am trying to figure out my path, but for whatever reason she keeps pushing certain sensitive issues. Tonight she just made me second guess myself. And then third guess if that's possible.

So at the end of the day, I'm left confused.

And hungry. And sick. But I'm about to eat some enchiladas so it's good. And hopefully my recent malady (chest cold, what's new?) will find it's way out overnight.